Training

Last night, the big dope took me to my first training session. Let's hope he learns his lessons well, because I wasn't paying attention to anything that the trainer said.

The first thing I noticed was some crap on the back of some lady's leg. Her dog had pooed in the car (or somewhere) and some poo had gotten on her pants without her knowing it. Fortunately for her, some nice people there helped her out. Not the big dope, though. He was so busily immersed in his own little life and thoughts that he just sat there and watched the whole thing play out. What a nice, helpful man!

So, the big dope was sitting there, hopefully taking it all in, when suddenly we got up and we had to walk over to stand with our backs to a wall. There were six other dogs there. One of the dogs had its own big dope there. The other five had their sweethearts with them. Don't ask me.

Well, the big dope starts acting all like he's done this before. You know, acting cool like he's heard it all before. Then, when he is asked to do the things that were being talked about...not so much. Not so cool anymore, hey, big dope? A little flustered trying to go through everything in the right order, are we? Well, then. Looks like you have a lot to practice before you go back the next time. Don't want to look like a big dope, do we, you big dope? I didn't think so.

Let's see, what did the big dope learn? He would probably say, "Nothing." (see above) But in reality, he learned a lot. Here goes:

1. Don't be mean to your dog. Be nice. When you are trying to get your dog to do something, figure out a way to trick the dog into thinking it was her idea. Then praise, praise, praise. Sounds a lot like the office. Or coaching soccer. Or raising a child. Or dealing with the sweetheart. Or...you get the idea.

2. There are lots of types of collars for working with the dog. There is the regular collar. There is a thing called a "Gentle Leader." There is something similar to a gentle leader that is really closer to a muzzle. I don't remember the name. There is a choke collar (the trainer said she preferred to call it something else that sounded nicer). And there is another gizmo that has lots of prongs that stick into a dog's neck. She didn't recommend it, but did say that it has its uses and that there might be occasion to use it in certain situations. I don't remember the name of that one, either. The big dope was all proud of himself for having a gentle leader. Then he didn't even use it because (at least for now) he can control me fairly well without it. We will see how that goes.

3. There is a specific way to hold the leash. The trainer wants the big dope to hold the leash using a baseball grip (both hands) over at the left hand side of the body. It looks like it might take the big dope a little time to get used to that, but he was trying. His big problem is self-consciousness. Hey, big dope, get over it and get on with it.

4. There is a position called the "heel position." That is where I am sitting nicely next to the big dope, next to his heel. It's where everything starts.

5. There is a proper way to start walking. You don't automatically say, "Heel." That means something very specific. I can walk nicely next to the big dope without being in heel mode.

6. The big dope can start me walking by saying anything he wants. As long as it is the same thing every time, of course. The big dope has chosen to say, "Let's go." When he says that, he starts walking with his left foot first and I am supposed to follow. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. Not everything is easy, you big dope.

7. When the trainer says, "Halt," and whenever the big dope feels like it, probably, the big dope is supposed to stop me by saying, "Sit." And he is supposed to run his left hand down the leash, bend over, place three fingers of his right hand under my collar and finally run his left hand down my back from my shoulder to my butt while saying "Sit." He is supposed to apply slight pressure to my butt, if necessary, but he is not to say "sit" again. Only one command is given and I am supposed to do what he says. Sheesh. I think he's trying to establish who's boss. We'll see how that goes, too. Another thing. If my butt is sticking out too far (that is, if I am not facing forward), the big dope is to touch my side and say, "Over." That is my signal to face forward. And the trainer told him that he is supposed to make me sit before everything. Everything. That's going to get old.

8. The big dope also learned a command that is supposed to give me freedom. It's like "At ease" in the Army. The trainer calls that a "break." She said that she sometimes uses the command, "Okay" for this, but that she didn't really recommend it. She told all the people there to think of what command they would use for break, and then they had to do it. My big dope said, "Come." What a dope. Not only is that a command for something else entirely, the trainer had earlier said that every time anyone used the command "come" for the first three sessions, they would owe her fifteen dollars. And that everyone had one free pass. Well, the big dope used up his free pass in the most stupid way imaginable. I am still looking forward to hearing the command he will use for break. I get the feeling that he is trying to think of something really clever that will make him think that everybody thinks he is cool and hip. God only knows what he'll come up with. He'll probably think it's cool while everyone else realizes that he has exposed himself as a useless idiot. Worse, he won't even know. And then, of course, I am supposed to magically know what he wants. He'll probably end up saying something really imaginative. Like, "Break." And then feel all dumb about it. (He has a right to feel dumb, in my opinion.)

9. Praise. The big dope is supposed to praise me a lot every time I do something right. And maybe even give me a treat. I can get used to that, I bet.

10. He is supposed to touch me all over and tell me what my body parts are. So, he did a bunch of that and embarrassed the crap out of me by touching my ears and nose and mouth and teeth and back and paws and eyes and stomach and giving me the English word for all of those things. What a dope. What if I speak French? And let me say that I am a little upset that the big dope was too dignified, or something, to touch my butt or any of my private parts. Doesn't he think I need to know the word for those? He doesn't have any problem going outside with me and saying, for all the world to hear, "Poop." And the sweetheart next to us wasn't embarrassed at all to reach down, touch something on the dog next to us and say, "Penis." Hey, I never said this was going to be a family friendly post. Anyway, it's anatomy.

I was, of course, the star of the training session. I was the youngest and cutest dog there by far. But, boy, there were some pretty big dogs. There was one that was the size of a year old bear cub that was only six months old. I have a long way to go to catch up to that dog. But, and I say this in all honesty, that dog did not scare me one bit. I went right up to it and sniffed its nose and didn't flinch. There was another dog there that was twice my size that didn't stop shaking. Sissy.

Well, that's about it for my first training session. I will, if you are lucky, let you hear more about my progress as the days go by. I know how you all crave to read about my wonderfulness.